God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
