if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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