She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
