woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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