nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
