She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
