My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I pour the whiskey from now on
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