its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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