even my farts smell like vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
