fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.