Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys