2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
