if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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