I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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