OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
