how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
