New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
