Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you didnt know i had herpes?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
