Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
