Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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