I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
