You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize