i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
