I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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