I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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