He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Randomize
