I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
