this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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