i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
