so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
