Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
