Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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