I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I could fuck to npr.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
