I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
