That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
