You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
