I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
