every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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