I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
me + whiskey = a bad person
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
