Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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