he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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