walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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