People with herpes should wear stickers.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
