One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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