So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Still dying that you shit outside
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
