McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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