I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
