Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
