Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
