2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
