how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
