ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
