Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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