I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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