he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
