Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
