Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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